As i look at my life, and all the directions that it could go... I ask myself, What has heppened to my childhood? it wasn't supposed to end so fast. im close to ending my junior year in high school. which means i only have one more year left. i have played football since my 8th grade year but had to have surgery on my knee because of it. I love football olmost as much as i love my family. i live, breathe, and think football. i dont watch a football a game anymor to just watch it i watch it to study the best of the best at my position. but sometimes since i had my surgery i wonder if it is worth the risk to play again. i have tho opportunity but cant risk re-injury or another injury. every time i think about this all the sudden i feel that it is. ya know its senior year and i have to go and represent my school in the sport that i love and live. ever since my family have started moving out i have felt a sort of loneliness. i dont act like it but hey i guess that just makes me a good actor. haha. i am very good at hiding how i really feel because i dont want my bad or sad attitude to effect the people around me. all i live for when im not in football is to m ake people laugh and to always have a good time. whenever i am with someone i enjoy being with i like to crack jokes and be the one every wants to be around and be the center of attention. i do not need attention like some people but i do like to be recogised for the person i am. i know im a little off subjecct but thats a lil bout me.
As i have been living at home without my older brother and sister i have noticed one a sense of calm, and also a sense of o i dont know kinda like a feeling that something is missing. both of my siblings brought a great cheeful attitude to the home. mabey not all the time but they did. my brother myka was someone i could always just talk to and gave me advice.( sometimes i aasked him about the ladies... even tho when i was 14 i already had more expirience than he still does. haha jk). he always gave me his honest opinion and even if it wasnt what i needed or wanted or even right i always took it to heart. sometimes there are things that you just ant ask your mom about and not having a dad in the house led me to myka. he was mostly a joyful person. i felt that he and i had a very special connection, even though his with my little brother is stronger than any he will ever have other than his mom and spouse. but we always got along.. as i was growing up i always wanted to "be like myka" he was just the coolest person in the world. but when i got into my teenage years he stayed the same while i went on to loving sports and bein the cool kid. even then we were still a close bunch. there was a time when i would hang with his friends all the time. and they always accepted me into their little group. all in all im trying to say that i miss my older brother so so much and it really has opened my eyes how families grow appart as they move out, because once they move out they lose time for the family they left back home. it is real hard to believe that things are changing so much that i just wish they would sto so i can savour the last moments that i have as a child and teenager. my older siter alyssa is an awesome sister. sure we had our hard time mabey a few more than normal but i love her and miss her. even though we act like YAY ALYSSA IS GONE it really saddens us that she isn't going to be round much. her spirit is such an enightening one and very cheerful and welcoming. i was probably the sibling that was closest to alyssa growing up and loved her so much! but now that she is gone and myka is gone and they see eachother even less and less i think that has strenghtend their relationship and they have realised that they love eachother more han they thought and there was so much more enjoyable things about them that did not show up much. it was hard growing up for my sister being the onlhy girl and my mom growing up on a farm didn't sympathise with her as much as my sister would have liked. but we all came out alive. i hope and pray that my sister can realise how important that college is for her and that she will get and keep her act together so she is not forced to leave.
When i start feeling this way that my life is missing something im not quite sure what to do to fill that feeing of loss. but i try my best to fill it or take it off my mind. sometime i go and chill with my friends which is something i have not been doing recently.
You see i am a very well rounded guy. im friends with the jocks, the nerds, the geeks, the shy, the outgoing, the nerds or geeks who wish they were jocks, the punks, the druggies, the gangsters, the mexicans, and most everyone else. I myself woud never ever do anything to ruin my friendships, at least not on purpose. i have three main friends. one is a well sports lover and is kinda good at basketball. another is a very umm peter priesthood well kinda not so much anymore but still not a bad kid at all. another is one that comes from a family of sports stars but is just not as good at it as his brothers. he is good dont get me wrong just not exactly the star. These are the bestess friends i could ever have. and through one of thm i have made two new awesome friends. haha but one has gone through his first breakup and one my new friends is the one to break up with him. it has been hard on both of them because it was both of their first relationships and they still care for eachother. but im kind of caught up in the middle and am having my own relationship problems with my ex. she hates me for a reason she either doesnt have or isnt telling me. i dont want her to hate me but she does. i see all these couples at school and they seem happy and i just feel lonelier than before. its so hard now to get a job because of the economical situiation. well basically all im trying to get at with this is no matter how bad life gets or how bad you think it is. there is alwyas room for improvement. and look at it this way. if its the worst time of your life most likely it can only get better. there is alomost always a positive to everything. like i told my friend after his gf broke up with him. you have to always be positive when life hits you with something that you really dont want to happen. my ex hates me. i told her i was really sorry she feels that way and i guess i wont be seeing her later and that i'll miss her. and told her bye and that was the last of it i moved on to the next gir because its high school there is always gonna be another. When life feels bad keep your head up and be positive. with that attitude anly good things can happe. never take things to hard on yourself. think about what is best for you first and then thin kabout others. im not sayin that YOU always go first. it is work on YOUR NEEDS. after that you use all your energy to work on the Needs of your friends. Dont hold grudges. that only makes you angry all the time and no fun to be around. haha Peace till next time!'*( Spenser)*'
